This poem was ‘found’ on page 80 of Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way (totally amazing book, if you haven’t read it).
I have noticed
an unpleasant
evasion.
The creeping feeling that
this possibility
will stay lost
in the
extreme emotions of the pages themselves,
unable to perform
a course adjustment,
if I don’t
write the truth.
Anais Nin famously said:
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
I love this quote, so much. It is only recently that I have come to realise that it is too painful for me to remain tight in a bud – I am now taking the risk to blossom.
I think this quote means that we stay in our comfort zones, we deny our true feelings and we try to protect ourselves.
Since starting a regular journaling routine, I have come to realise that I can blossom – it isn’t as scary or dangerous as it seems. I have all the courage I need inside.
Here are a few of the ways I used to ‘remain tight in a bud’:
But now that I’ve created an ongoing dialogue with my true, authentic self through my daily journaling routine, I am finding the courage to ‘blossom’ in these ways:
These are just a few of the ways I have sought to change my life over the past 6 months. Looking back now it seems like I’ve made quite a few big changes – most of them are internal. Most of them are shifts in my sense of courage, of determination. the external changes have naturally flowed on from there.
I can’t say it enough: it is the simple act of journaling each day that has allowed me to get to this point. It is the ongoing conversation with my true self, with my inner wisdom and courage. It is being awake in my life, rather than numbing my feelings through the things in the first list above.
So I challenge you: in what ways do you attempt to remain tight in a bud, and how can you find the courage to blossom?
Today I want to share a simple journal prompt
I found in Marlene Schiwy’s A Voice of Her Own. This is a great book with lots of journaling tips, techniques, prompts and ideas. I’m really enjoying reading it at the moment.
It doesn’t take very long, and your answers could serve as a base to give you more to write about in detail in later journal entries.
Take three pages in your journal. At the top of page one, write ‘I am’, at the top of page two write ‘I am not’ and on the last page write ‘I would like to be’.
Then, doing one page at a time, fill it with whatever comes to mind. You could do your pages as mindmaps, you could freewrite, or you could list your answers.
My answers were in list form, some were single words and others phrases. Here is a some from my own journal entry:
I am…
I am not…
I would like to be…
These are just a few things from my own lists. These lists are quite simple but there is a lot here that I could explore in later journal entries. I was even surprised by a few things that came up – for example, ‘I am not going to keep hiding parts of myself’. This has highlighted to me that there are times when I feel like I can’t truly be myself, which is something I would like to explore further.
I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting lately after coming across my old journals from high school. I posted earlier this week about allowing ourselves to dream big – as we do when we are younger.
Today as I was journaling, and thinking about the things the younger me wanted but didn’t have, I realised something. I am unsure of what success looks like – or at least, what it looks like to me. I don’t know how to define success in my own life.
I must say, I was a little shocked. As much as I know what I want to achieve in my life (and a lot of that has changed from when I was younger!) I wasn’t able to clearly articulate what my life would look like if I were ‘successful’.
Success obviously means different things to different people – for some it is the more obvious signs of success such as a nice house or car, getting married, earning a certain amount of money. For others it is simply to wake up each day with a smile, or to spend their time as they would like.
Somehow I had managed to avoid answering this question for myself, despite the fact that I spend a lot of time thinking about what I want more of in my life.The more I journaled about this, the clearer I got.
For me, success is:
A few of these things I was unaware of. The first one was a bit of a surprise – I had always assumed I would be happy for my partner to be the breadwinner while I took care of the family. But actually, I have realised that it is important to me to contribute financially and even support our family so my partner can follow his creative dreams.
What does success mean to you? You might think you know, but try answering the following prompts. It’s good to have a clear idea because otherwise it’s difficult to know how you feel about your life and what you want to achieve.
First of all, identify what it is you value. What is most important to you in life?
Growing up, what did it mean to you to be successful as an adult? Who did you admire for their success – what did they have/do? (For example, I wanted nothing more than to be Mariah Carey because of her amazing voice and huge international success – now I’m not so sure I’d want that at all!)
Do you still admire these people, or are there new people you admire? What is it about them that you admire?
If you were to meet someone who you felt was successful, what would their life look like? Is it different from how society tends to define success? How? How does it tie into your values?
At the end of your life if you were to look back on what you have done, what would your life look like if you had been successful? Or, if you were to read your own obituary, what would you like it to say?
I was thinking tonight on the drive home from work how much I’ve changed over the past few years.
In particular, the past six months of consistent journaling have seen me reconnect with myself. This is a strange thing to say, but it’s true.
It’s like I was going through the motions, feeling like my life was a little off, not quite what I wanted – but I couldn’t put my finger on what it was that was wrong.
Now I know what was wrong. I was afraid (there’s that word again!). Afraid to listen to the little voice inside me – that’s when I could hear it – and afraid to make the changes I so craved to make.
I was afraid of failure, of what people would think, of having regrets, of not doing what I ‘should’ do.
And you know what? Fuck it. Life is too damn short.
The world is mine for the taking. I’m leaving behind the things that make me unhappy, the fears that people will judge me, or that I will make a mistake.
I’m creating an unconventional and exceptional life. I’m building a tiny house. I’m starting my own creative business so that I can work for myself, helping others and doing work I love. I’m creating regularly. I’ve quit dieting. These are just the first few steps towards a happier, healthier, more fulfilling life.
Here is possibly my most favourite poem, ever. It summarises my journey, and I’m sure, the journey of many others.
One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
‘Mend my life!’
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations
though their melancholy
was terrible. It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice,
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do – – –
determined to save
the only life you could save.
What is your journey? Can you describe it in a few sentences or paragraphs or a poem? If you’re stuck, try to write it in the second person as Oliver has done in her poem.
How have you changed?
Is there a journey you would like to take (either metaphorical or literal)? What is stopping you?
Do you feel like yourself? If so, how do you know? If not, why not?
I finally made some time to play in my art journal this evening.
I’m quite new to art journaling and I’m just trying to see what others do and pick up things from them. I also try to see what I feel inspired to do at the time. Sometimes this works, other times it doesn’t.
I love playing with different media such as stamps, washi tape, acrylic paint, watercolours, markers, collage etc. I also love the idea that I can just cover anything I don’t like.
I’d like to learn to relax a bit and go with the process, rather than worrying about how it’s going to look in the end. I want my art journaling to be more about the process than the result.
I haven’t shared much of my art journaling on here. I don’t actually do it as often as I’d like – it’s more time-consuming than pen and paper journaling, and also I guess I worry about it not being ‘good enough’. Which is silly really, because it’s not about that.
At the moment I’m following the prompts from Lisa Sonora’s 30 Day Journal Project. I love how she starts each list of prompts with ‘do one, some, all, or none, as you wish’. It really helps me to feel free to choose and journal how I most feel like it. One thing that I have found to be really difficult with projects like this are too many rules.
The first prompt is about beginnings. Lisa provided the quote, from Henry David Thoreau:
There is no beginning too small.
I wanted to bring in the idea of the beginning being like a journey. I’m starting where I am, which is literally Auckland, New Zealand on this map. But it’s also about starting where I am in my life right now – with the skills, feelings, and desires I currently hold.
But more and more I’m realising that starting where I am is fine. Starting now, in fact, is better. Start where you are. You are here. Move forward from here.
These words appear so often in my journaling. Faith is a ‘being value’ I’m forever working on – a character trait that I would like to possess. I so often doubt myself, my work, my dreams, my skills, the possibilities for the future. I remind myself daily to have faith that things will work out. It never fails to reassure me, and keep me on track.
Courage is another being value I’m working with. In case you haven’t noticed, fear is something that seems to follow me around! Reminding myself to be bold kicks its butt, though.
The second prompt is to do with commitment. This is something I really struggle with.
I’m fine with romantic commitment (I’ve been with my partner for over 5 years) but most other forms of commitment are tough for me. The thought of a mortgage terrifies me. I usually don’t stay in a job for more than a couple of years. I move house a lot. I change my mind a lot about things: I lose interest, lose motivation, lose faith. In fact, blogging every day as part of this 100 Day Project is one of my best commitments so far.
I think I’m afraid of getting trapped in something I don’t want. And I’m also afraid that I won’t see things through, so committing to something can be really hard when I doubt that I’ll finish it. I worry about over-committing to things and getting too busy and stressed.
I love my freedom and like to make choices based on how I feel at any given time (this is why I find full-time employment quite hard). But, I also think there are benefits to really committing to something worthwhile and seeing it through.
Most of all, I think it’s important to be gentle and kind to ourselves. You can only ever do the best that you can at any one time. You are doing the best you can. Go gently.
It’s a very strange coincidence – I didn’t read the text before I put it down and painted over the top. Then I noticed these words:
Or perhaps it’s not a coincidence at all. The universe works in mysterious ways when you invite creativity into your life.
Today is the 25th day of the 100 Days Project. I’m a quarter of the way through the project, and I want to reflect on how it’s going.
I know I’m probably not supposed to say that, but in the interest of being authentic and vulnerable, I should be honest.
I’m actually really enjoying the challenge of coming up with new topics and things to post. I’m enjoying the daily journaling and creativity, the daily commitment. I’m enjoying getting comments and support from readers and other bloggers – that has been such a huge pleasure.
This is the first time I have blogged this consistently.
But some days I am tired. I work as a teacher which requires a great deal of energy. It is especially difficult at the moment because I have moved to a new school which is further away – so I have to get up extra early if I want to journal before work. That is fine, but then it means that I have little energy in the evenings to blog, or do any other creative work, such as my art journal, or poetry.
Oh, and my best friend and I are planning our own online business, which takes a lot of time and energy too! But it’s the good kind.
So what does this mean for my blogging? Nothing much. I’ve thought about stopping the 100 Days Project but in truth I don’t want to. I enjoy the challenge. I like being committed to something. I like having to share my thoughts and my creative practice regularly. I think if you want to achieve something creative, particularly writing or art, doing it every day is important.
Can I keep going for another 75 days? I don’t see why not. When I read about amazing inspiring people like Lisa Sonora’s 1008 paintings project I am just blown away. It makes me laugh about my 25 days of blogging.
Lisa says throughout the course of the project she dealt with questions such as:
These are things I should explore in my own journal. If I’m feeling like I want to give up, why is that?
Susannah Conway has said that every week she worries she has run out of good blogging material. Anne Lamott says that she often worries she has run out of ideas. So I guess the mild panic I feel each day about what to blog about is only normal.
I like the fact that it keeps me on my toes. The discomfort and challenge of blogging every day is good for me as a writer and artist. It keeps me pushing forward towards a goal, even when it feels a little uncomfortable.
These words are thrown around a lot. Especially the word ‘authentic’. It’s become a self-help buzzword, of sorts. What does authenticity really mean? I believe it is closely tied with vulnerability and courage.
Why? Because in order to be truly authentic – that is, to be truly yourself – you need to have the courage to be vulnerable, exposed. Being who you really are in a world that constantly tells you to be someone else requires courage. Especially if who you are is a little different.
The word vulnerability is a little scary, isn’t it? Sounds a bit dangerous, a bit risky. But really, there is a paradoxical truth here.
The more that we can truly own who we are, claim our identity and just be us – the less that others can influence us or hurt us. No one can take away who you really are. And if you know and love your true self, it really doesn’t matter what others think or say about you.
I’ve been finding that the more I come to accept and embrace – even celebrate – the quirks that make up who I am, the more I am forced to be vulnerable. I have to share myself, my true self, with others. It’s very difficult to tell ourselves that we are good enough while actively hiding parts of ourselves from others.
Brene Brown likens courage to swimming – you get good at swimming by practicing swimming. Similarly, you get good at courage by practicing courage. This makes sense.
So often we don’t share our true selves (our feelings, opinions, dreams, hopes, disappointments, fears) with others, because we don’t feel brave enough. We hide who we are; we are afraid to be vulnerable. We lack courage. It is only through the practice of being vulnerable that we can develop courage.
This can all seem a bit abstract. Let me put it in concrete terms. For me, vulnerability and courage look a bit like this:
But I’ve come to realise that in order for me to be authentic – to feel like I am accepting and loving who I am and just ‘being myself’ – I need to be willing to be vulnerable. I must have the courage to share who I am with others, regardless of what they will think of me.
Journaling has helped me immensely with learning to love myself and developing courage. The more often I engage in a journaling dialogue with myself, with my dreams and desires, my fears and opinions, the more I come to accept and even celebrate who I am.
Some questions to ponder in your journal:
I learnt an interesting lesson this weekend – to trust that gut feeling, my intuition.
I had a hunch about something, and it proved to be right. Except, I kept second guessing myself, telling myself I was foolish. I felt so certain, but at the same time doubtful.
The doubt came from fear (my good old friend!) and sometimes it felt like the doubt was speaking louder than my intuition.
You know that feeling, when you just feel certain about something? When, even if it seems silly, or you can’t explain it, or you just have a knowing… listen to it. Because it’s probably right!
Journaling ideas:
I’m starting something new. I have signed up to do something called the 100 Days Project. Basically all I have to do is choose one action then do it for the next 100 days. Sounds easy enough, right?
Um, no.
As I’ve mentioned earlier, I have trouble starting new ventures. My good old friends fear and procrastination are right here with me, making me question my every move. I’m trying my best to tune them out, and I guess that’s what the next 100 days will be about.
My plan is to journal every day in some form, although I’m using the word ‘journaling’ pretty loosely: I will write in my journal, create in my art journal, do work in my visioning journal(s), create found poetry or practise my handwritten typography. I guess I count these things as journaling in some sense because I do them all in some sort of journal. Some days I might use a prompt, other days I will just go where my creativity takes me.
Then, I will share what I have done here: what I learn, an image, a quote, an insight, or just something to (hopefully) inspire you for the day. Some days I may have a lot to say, others very little. But the main thing is to show up every day.*
There are a few things I’m hoping to achieve, or make some progress towards, over the next 100 days:
I guess the idea of blogging each day is quite simple to some, and it probably seems like I’m making a big deal out of nothing. But for me, it is a big deal. I’m not a blogger. Not yet anyway.
I’m excited and terrified. But I guess that’s the point. Seth Godin said,
In the long run, the enemy of fear is creativity. I’m sure of it.
Here’s hoping I can scare fear away using creativity. I guess that is my true goal for the next 100 days.
*The irony is that as soon as I’ve posted this I have to pack for a trip I’m taking this weekend where there is no internet… But, I will still type up posts and share them when I am home on Sunday – I promise!
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